I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
