I hate your face
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
