these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
