dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
