I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
it's like heaven, but drunker
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
