The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
my poor anus
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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