Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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