guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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