Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
