I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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