Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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