I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
