i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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