Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
