Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
