your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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