Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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