On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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