What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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