shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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