I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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