Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
