You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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