Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize