Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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