You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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