I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
