I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Four minutes until I can fart!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Found the puke drawer
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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