i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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