So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
me + whiskey = a bad person
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
