you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
