I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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