wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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