I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
