see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
