I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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