I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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