I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
