Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
