I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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