but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
