A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
