she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
