i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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