I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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