at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
