I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
