I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
