Who wears a wallet chain?!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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