It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When did angry sex become our thing?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
