I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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