So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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