the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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