I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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