Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
