Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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