after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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