dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
